You can tell what the purpose of the someone's anger by the way it makes you FEEL when it is happening. Instead of reacting to the anger, you can ask yourself, "How is this behavior making me feel right now?"
If you feel annoyed and irritated...
His/her purpose is to get your attention. The most basic and fundamental need is the need to belong -- to bond and feel connected, to be esteemed and valued as a human being. This makes attention one of the strongest motives underlying human misbehavior.
If you feel powerless and out of control...
His/her purpose is to gain power and control over YOU. Everyone has a need to be able to influence and control their environment. People strive to control the outcome of the events going on around them in ways that are consistent with, and in service to, their own wishes and desires. When they feel inadequate to do this, they become rebellious and defiant.
If you feel hurt...
His/her purpose is revenge. People strive to protect themselves from their "perception" of an attack or threat to their sense of self, whether real or imaginary. They perceive every reversal, major or minor, as if they were being singled out by others (i.e. colleagues, administration) for special torture and punishment. They feel victimized and seek relief from their hurt feelings by taking it out on others.
If you feel discouraged and helpless...
His/her purpose is to withdraw from the task/situation for which he/she feels inadequate to cope. They are insecure and afraid. People withdraw from overwhelming situations in order to maintain their sense of ego and pride, to escape the reality of their own inadequacies.
The solution: Disengage from the anger
Disengage does not mean to ignore the emotional nature of the situation. But now, you know exactly what is going on. You are disengaging from the person's anger and misbehavior, not from them as a person. You are choosing to behave appropriately in the reality of the situation.
After you have disengaged from the angry behavior, you may feel relief from the tension, pressure and stress of the moment. You may feel more in control, liberated, mature and secure within your own self. You will not take the person's behavior "personally" as if it was a true reflection of your own worth as a human being. You will feel appropriately responsible and competent to handle the situation. The more you practice disengaging from the person's anger, the better you will become at it, the more the person will respect you -- and the more you will respect yourself!
To go back to the Anger Management Toolkit, click this link.
